Haven't been around for a while.. and HOLY SHIT, FUCKIN' almost 300 new pics i had to check out, HOLY SHITTTTT... 'tis what happens when your gone for a month...

Where have i been? ..lost.. And trying to find myself..
I don't let it show on my internet life but.. i'm depressed..
No, not figuratively, LITERALLY. When you shut down, feel lonely and curl up into a ball and.. just wanna die..
Do you know how.. weird it is to have to explain to a doctor how many times you thought of killing yourself, and how you were gonna do it when your mom is sitting there, listening..? Crying? Taking in every shocking detail about how much you hate every single part of your life.. how you felt like you were falling into a deep, dark and cold, never ending pit, and had nothing to grab onto to pull you out.. How you felt life was meaningless, and never saw a reason to find the will to live, when there is no life to find will for..?

..I really don't know how i've made it this far.. can't say it was EASY.. fuckin' years of loss, dissapointment, solitude, fear, lonliness.. The works.

My will to do anyhting.. draw, play music, laugh, even get out of bed in the morning.. On those days where you barely feel like living anymore, I lose all will to do anything i love..

It's soooo hard to do basic LIVING anymore.. doing normal everyday things seem like MONUMENTAL tasks.. Things just get worse and worse, just keeps on piling on top of eachother, until you put up with so much shit in your life, it gets to you.. your mind cracks under the pressure..

I've spent the last few weeks in the hospital.. finding the help that i've desparatly wanted for so long.. I just come home every once in a while to keep the feeling of normality in my mind.. And i owe a few people thanks for the support i've gotten so far..

My Mom, for realizing i need help, and being the one to whisk me off to the hospital at the mention of me wanting to kill myself.. i've said some horrible stuff baout her, and.. still feel like our relationship could use some work, but i thank her for everything thing shes done.. shes worked so hard..

To my Brothers, for making me smile and laugh when i needed to..

To my Nana, for always listening so intently and offering amazing advice..

My Uncle Peter, for giving me back my will to draw when things feel like they are closing in around me.. thanks for inspiring me again.

My Auntie Debbie for coming from so far away to spend some time with me.. i may not see her often, but i love every moment i spend with her.. and your children, who also are encouraging me to hold on.. we've got a lotta concerts to go to together

And to Erin.. My beautiful love, who has talked with me every day, and has saved me from my dark, deep hole of hell almost every time. My angel has saved me, and i'm SO looking foreward to finally seeing you next year..! I dont think you fully realize how much your support means to me, and how special all the beautiful things u tell me make me feel..

Cory, who's always been my close close friend, and always will be.. we had some pretty damn swee ttimes together.. its a shame u had to leave to California.. fuck i miss you..

And to the rest of my family, and people who have supported me while in the hospital. All the support from all my loved ones is whats driving me to get better, and try to have a happy life for once. I still have.. my bad days.. but im better than i was about a month ago, when i was ready to completely give up, and take myself away from this world. I'm trying hard, and even though i don't know what im doing half the time, i AM trying..

So, i guess just wish me luck, everybody.. I don't know when i'll be back to living at home, but when I do come back, there'll be plenty of new deviations to put up, dont worry

Peace